Week 7/12/1999

Danny, blowing the “horn”
on his fellow band members. Voted “Most likely to Snitch”,
I was fine and in a wonderful mood
and all ready to do a Bang-Up© Wrap-Up©
this week when on Wednesday, I get this pinhead lecture
on using photos without divulging proper credits. Seems I posted
a picture of some group called the Kamasutra Brothers
or some such name as that – oh wait, the Karamazov Brothers,
who by the way, aren’t even brothers – and damned if another
“Danny” doesn’t jump my a$$
I’ve compromised some code of professional courtesy. OK folks,
here’s the deal.

All jokes aside, most of the photos I find
don’t come with credits. I found the picture of these Karamooshy
in a place that didn’t even identify who they were,
let alone who took the photo. Assuming for a moment that my “unauthorized”
use of photos my be unethical and perhaps even illegal, plus,
given the fact that I don’t have the time to hunt down photo
credits and gain permission, I need to know what you, my friends
and family, would have me do about this grave situation. So,
here’s a

of the

“The TimeZone Community
stands ready and
willing to do hard time in a federally-funded state penitentiary
along side their old buddy T-Bone, and/ or, contribute to the
Free T-Bone Legal Fund©,

which has already
been set up to receive donations”.

Just answer


The future
of the Wrap-Up depends on you.”

Now, let me thank all of you for attending
our 4th of July Wrap-Up© Celebration two weeks ago.
ED did a great job with the decorations, and the ingress/egress
arrangements were excellent. Everyone was able to get in and
out very efficiently. If you happen to see ED, let him
know that the bills are due and I need his money. He hasn’t returned
any of my calls for two weeks and I know he’s anxious to pay
his part (cheap-a$$ SOB).

“Ok Walt, we’ve got
you buddy. Steady now. Just one more step. Hey Walt, can you
maybe try and move your damn feet? Oh, lord he ate the beans
too.” “Well he’s not riding in MY car” “What
the hell is he wearing anyway?” “He thought Russell
said coronation, not celebration”. “Hell, he’s not
even wearing a watch!”
Everyone was very well behaved and
exercised proper restraint – which is hard to do around me –
with the possible exception of Walt Odets. Walt required
just a tiny bit of assistance getting home, but he should have
been fine several days later. Here we see several of the TimeZone

regulars helping Walt back to his car. Back
to his car? Oh my god, has anyone talked with him since the party?
Richard, would you please check on

Ed doesn’t need a personal liability suit
on top of me suing him for the bar tab!

“Hanhart”. “Here,
Sir” “Smiths” “Here, Sir” “Daniels”.
“Daniels?” “Remember, Sir? Daniels didn’t make
it, Sir” “The man didn’t know his balance wheel from
his hair spring!” “No Sir, Sir!”
As part of the festivities, we had
a visit from a group of military watch experts who have been
watchmakers going back as far as the Boer War. These gentlemen
had served their country proudly and well, and all were decorated
members of the

Order of the Bent Cock©.

Major General Leyland Fitzpurdy
(center, foreground) addressed the group with fascinating facts
of how military watches developed over time and I especially
enjoyed the story about how Neville Chamberlain’s hairspring
was once replaced with a pubic hair from a hog. As it turns out,
the accuracy was so greatly improved that Chamberlain personally
funded the development of the Swinete Regulator System©,
which was used exclusively by the Royal FootGuards until
1922. It is now a standard feature in all PIGUET movements.

Last week’s winner of the Most
Consecutive Posts© goes to:

Carlos E. Tiburcio Ramos

“Thank you. No, Thank
you. No, I insist, thank you. No, please allow me, thank you!
” No, Thank you…”

“Damn! Tastes just
like chicken!
The Off-Topic© Post of the
two weeks ago, was the “Fabio Hit in
Face by Bird”
post. This tragic event occurred at

Busch Gardens
in Williamsburg, Virginia during the maiden voyage of the park’s
rollercoaster. Having not a
damn thing to do with watches, you are at least better people
for having been informed. The Park has now appropriately posted
warning signs and should any of you visit this park, please stop
by the main gate and pick-up a catcher’s mask. Walt, if you go,
do not wear that hat.

Speaking of Off-Topic© posts, TimeZone
hit a new low last week when CDR turned to the Forum
for help with naming his cats. CATS? No, not go#da#m CATS!!!
Yes! NO!!! Tell me I imagined this!!! Tell me a grown man would
NOT turn to a Watch Forum for help
in naming CATS!!! Tell me the Toast Survey was the worse
thing ever posted on the Forum, tell me Mike Strickland
is a bad dream, tell me ANYTHING but don’t tell me CATS!!! I’m
telling you people right now, I can’t take much more of

perhaps some of you actually enjoyed the CAT thing (those of
you who posted a
response have
been removed from my Christmas card list) and maybe it was just
a weird day, but how do you explain the survey about “which
watch do you prefer to be buried in”
? Personally, I’ll
be leaving my watches behind, but if my family decides to go
against my wishes for cremation, I’ve selected a very nice box
for internment. Notice the beautiful Glashutte quilting and the
3/4 cushion, not to mention the fine side lever action as well
as the swan’s neck handles on the ends. Yes Siree folks, this
is the finest box money can buy. I’ve already arranged mine with
Markus Tschopp at SilverMagic and am paying for
it on one of those pre-burial programs so popular these
days. He’s agreed to find me one “LNIB with gaskets”
for an additional savings and is throwing in a Panerai vault
for free. With a deal like this, you can really look forward
to being dead! Note: the Patek version is nice too but
considerably more expensive. The Rolex model speaks, I think,
for itself. Just a little too skimpy for my tastes. The Walt
model (below) is quite classic but doesn’t work
too well if you are the least bit “chunky”.

So, you people want DEAD? Well good,
because you are KILLING me!

The Walt Arnstein Perpetual
Model. Not for the “Large of Ash”

“Stephanie, that’s
such a horribly gorgeous ugly-ass beauty! Do you wear it to pleasingly
offend me?”
I received a mental blow to the head
last week when Mike “Roofing Nail” Margolis
discovered that Stephanie had her Blancpain up for sale!
Don’t you just love to say this name? “Blaunnk-Paaaaannnn”!
I’ll probably buy one some day just so I can get people to ask
me what it is. “Hey, check out my watch. Ask me what
kind it is! It’s a Blaunnk- Paaaaannnn”!
So much nicer
than Luungay & Sony, don’t you think? So, anyway I’m
reading the Sales Forum and WHAM, there it is: “Watch
for Sale by Owner – contact S.Fickleowski – All offers over 30
bucks considered”
. I can’t believe this. I just
can’t. Six months ago it was her “lifetime timepiece”.
Well, that was before that little soprano bitch (no Danny, I
don’t have a damn photo credit) turned Stephanie’s horological
life up side down. Boy, if I could just get that little lung
diker alone for 5 minutes, I’d “straighten” her out!
That’s right! She’d soon be two octaves shy of an aria!

Steph, don’t let any of this bother you.
All you have done is proven that you’ll never be a one-watch
and that’s certainly OK with

The Sumo-Pro© – comes
with 7 detachable accessories and one large battery!
What else? Oh, yeah. Bill Stonehill.
This guy seems to know a lot about watches. Hey, I notice these
things. That’s why I come here. All of my original heroes and
mentors have left, leaving behind no forwarding address. Most
of you have run all of the good ones off with your incessant
“Has anyone bought a watch from SKW?” and “Which
is best, Omega, Tommy Hillfiger, or Quartz?”
This has
all but ruined me, and now poor Stonehill has taken to posting
about watches for Sumo Wrestlers!

I don’t know what Sumo Wrestlers wear and
as long as they are automatics, I don’t really care. But if they
wear a damn watch at all, they need one of my fine new winders.
Made especially for the Sumo Market, this winder
accommodates the heaviest of watches without regard to size.
With the proper accessory selection, the Sumo-Pro© provides
deep, penetrating winds in less than an hour.

Is there a WINE forum somewhere?
I’ve got to develop a new interest.

This just in on Walt Odets…he’s
OK and has “never felt better”. According to

Walt said our 4th of July celebration
was the best party I’ve ever been invited to”
and that he didn’t realize that “Russell could sing so
well. Quite talented”,
he said. Sing? Hell, I
didn’t sing at that party. I was too busy keeping him in drinks.
I wonder how long it took him to realize he screwed up his platinum
Mark XII ? He opened the case to show someone the movement and
the balance spring popped out and almost hit in the eye. Richard said he tore into it the moment he got home,
dropped the movement and stepped on it and then drilled a bunch
of holes in the case. As you can see in this photo, there’s not
much left. I’m guessing you can pick it up pretty reasonably
next week during one of Bernard Watches weekly sales updates.


Huh? You think you know SNOOTY when you see it? You don’t
know DICK©. So let’s all meet him. Here he is.

“Hi I’m DICK©. I wouldn’t
wipe my butt with any watch you have ever heard of. Lange?
Machine produced crap. Rolex? Give me a break. VC?
Very Cheap. Patek? Too pedestrian. JLC? Just Like
Crap, except not good enough to actually be crap. My watches
are one-off wonders worth millions. You want
truth? You can’t afford the truth.”

Well, I guess we don’t look so snooty
after all, huh?


of the


Lizzie, Are you OK?


of the

OCD, I got your e-mail!

And finally, here’s an update on that contest
DANO started two weeks ago where a group of hygienically-challenged
watch enthusiasts were going to wear their favorite
for an entire month without taking them off. These guys aren’t
doing so well and several are being treated now for severe skin
lesions. Dano himself, pictured here, will be undergoing skin
grafts once the contest is concluded. And you thought watch people
were weird!

I am compelled to wrap up this Wrap-Up©
by giving you official notification that I am taking a well deserved
summer sabbatical and will be available only as a Forums participant
for most of the next couple of months. My lawn needs mowing,
the upstairs bathrooms are being re-modeled and my wife is complaining
about “hall sex”. I absolutely refuse to stick around
the house and expose myself to this hostile environment and will
therefore be unable to get to my “study”, where a clear
mind and a sharp eye results in top quality watch entertainment.
You deserve my best and someday you might just get it. In the
meantime, don’t forget why we are here. This is a place of learning.
Show the founding fathers some respect. Welcome the newcomers
with open arms and encourage them with assistance. Membership
in this community comes with responsibilities. Live up to yours
and the rest will fall in place.

And remember. You really do drive me crazy!

That’s a Wrap, folks. Not a good name for
a cat, but a fine damn place to start!

All photos courtesy of DICK©.
If you don’t know DICK©, you don’t know JACK©.

T-Bone and Speener Productions

Copyright © this! 1999