

Week 6/1/1999

“BullsEye!” |
According to Davis147, I was “sucking the right tit “last week! Now, lest anyone find this udderly offensive, let me explain that this is a British “local expression”, the origins of which I have absolutely no idea. I’m not even sure if this meant that I was sucking the correct tit or the one opposite the left tit. I’m equally unsure what they even mean by tit. You know how the Brits are. They give a lot of things “funny” names. They live in “flats”, they use the “loo”, they can often be found setting on their arse, and they “ring” one another up on the phone. While Davis147 may come across as somewhat “jammy”, I doubt he’s a true “wanker” based on the size of his “willie”. But he will “bonk” in the “boot” as long as he has a “nappie” and a “quid” to “give it some wellie”. Hell, as far as I know, sucking the right tit might have meant that I just simply sucked. As only Mad Dogs and Englishmen understand such things, I’ll just take it as a compliment and go on. Strange that such folks would actually call timepieces “watches”!

Site of Jaeger’s “Intellectual Property” Practice |

A good $5.00 shirt for the man with a $15,000 watch |
Speaking of hot (yes, I just was), I got an e-mail from Jaeger Wednesday and he was holed up in a cheap motel in Arizona. What do you lawyers actually do for a living?
Lay around cheap motels asking about dress shirts? At $400.00/hr? Now I know I should have accepted that scholarship to Wake Forest Law School afterall! And to think I actually have to get up each day and be productive! Damn. I had contacted Jaeger about – now get this – SKW. After all of the thousands of comments about SKW that have clogged up TimeZone, I had to go solicit an opinion because I never paid attention. Oh sure, I homed in on the Nigerian thing and the underwear issue was quite interesting, but I never thought I’d seriously consider them as a watch source. However, a particular watch has made it to the top of my “short list” and I can’t find anyone who can touch their prices. Whadda ya think? Should I or shouldn’t I. Now that’s a legal question if there ever was one!

“Richard, I used to know your Daddy. Go ahead. Hit me in the stomach again” – WP |
Richard Paige continues to amaze and amuse with his funky “TimeZone Interviews” wherein he shares deep horological insight through the eyes of some industry expert. I am convinced this guy will interview anybody as long as they tell him how much they think TimeZone will change the world. Here’s a recap of one of his most recent interviews:
RP: Tell us a little about your company.
WP: Well, basically we make cheap crap.
RP: That’s great. I understand you have a long, distinguished history.
WP: That’s correct. We have been making cheap crap since 1897.
RP: Wow! That’s incredible.
WP: That’s right!
RP: How do you see the future of watches?
WP: Well for us, we’ll just continue to make even more cheap crap.
RP: Now that’s exciting!
WP: That’s right!
RP: Tell us, what do you think of TimeZone?
WP: TimeZone will change the world.
RP: That’s wonderful. You are one of my favorite watch companies.
WP: That’s right!
RP: I’ll take 49 cheap, crappy quartz units today!
WP: That’s right!
Keep those interviews coming Richard! Only on TimeZone!
Speaking of interviews, if any of you happen to take the Orient Express from Paris to Istanbul next month, please look for the article about Patek Philippe in their internal publication, Le Orient Express. Therein you will be treated to a level of horological profundity that only Tom Margulies and I could provide. The article itself has been written in the superb hand of none other than our own Watchbore himself, with heart-rending insights from Tom & I. Tom is described as an esteemed Doctor enjoying an illustrious career and I’m characterized as a “factory worker from North Carolina”; conjuring up images of dead chickens in a hot and sweaty concrete block building with nothing more than a bare light bulb and a knife in my hand. That ought to warm the cockles of those hoity-toity types skirting across the Venetian landscape sipping their Veuve-Clicquot . Well, that’s pretty “spot on” actually. He did leave out the part about me trading my grandma’s ’63 singlewide mobile home for a down payment on my Patek. I thought that was the best part. Old bitch. She was gonna set herself on fire if she stayed there much longer anyway. That was one mean “Throw Mama from the Train” old woman. Thanks Watchbore. I really need those memories. Fame is often a fleeting enigma. In my case, it’s a Fleets enema.
Peter Chong took a tour of the Lange factory the other day and that’s where we managed to find Hans Zbinden. That’s just great Peter. After Hans tried to poison Ross’ baby, you get him out of town. Take him to a watch factory. That would be the last place I’d look, if I were looking for any of you TimeZoners! What a clever cover. “Gosh, we never thought to look there. We did check a couple of plumbing supply houses in Munich, but they hadn’t seen him”! And what’s with those two designers in the photo? THEY designed all of those Lange watches? Boy. Nuff said ’bout that. Good work you two! Somehow I thought you’d be a lot….taller?
You might find this interesting. In one of our silly surveys this week – “What’s your next watch purchase…” – there were 28 responses totaling $3.2 million dollars in estimated retail purchases. This from a group of guys who don’t have a clue about where to buy a decent dress shirt. Actually no one who responded to this survey posted on the shirt survey, and vice versa. Just goes to show there’s a little something on TZ for everyone. Can we not conclude from this that those of you ignorant about shirts aren’t going to buy another watch until you get this “shirt thing” figured out? I thought so. I just want you all to do me one big favor. Do NOT wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt. Don’t even think about it. Please, don’t do it. Ok? Thanks.

“There are SMITHS everywhere I go” |
I enjoyed Dennis A. Smith’s recant of his visit to the Omega/NASA event held in Phoenix last week. I do have to wonder what the “A.” stands for though. General Thomas Stafford was there and according to him “If those Smith people had not left when they did, I would have trashed the whole damn store. They kept me cornered for four hours, driving me crazy with all of that helicopter talk. They even brought me a jar of Tang. No one drinks this crap. I had to drink the whole damn jar before they would leave. Peed all night long.
Omega, find yourself another flyboy to do this gig. I quit. Real nice folks, though!
TimeZone Question of the Week: “Where are the Women?”
TimeZone Answer of the Week: “We don’t know. They never showed up”
This week’s surveys: (to be answered next week)
- What’s your favorite watch and how accurate
is it? - What car do you drive and what watch do
you wear? - Is the concept of a lifetime watch flawed?
- Which digital camera did Bo Hansen
buy? - Why would a nice German clockmaker sell
Foie a clock? - Should a “Dress” watch have
Arabic or Roman numerals? - How long will Hans Zbinden hide
out in Bali? - Why did Tony at Paris1925 hire
Richard’s ex-wife? - Why is Ludwig withholding information
from the Lange Owners Group? - How does that Danny guy know so
much about everything?

“If it’s good enough for the Don then it’s damn sure good enough for you” – Don A. de Sp. |
This week’s SPAM AWARD goes to ALANDO.de who, by an innocent oversight on my part, ended up with all of your e-mail addresses. I really could not be more sorry that this happened but many of you never receive any e-mail and I thought you might at least enjoy hearing from Alando. He’s a Don you know. Don Alando de Spamolla to be exact and his family now owns Hormel de Morto Gato in Venezuela.
Enjoy! Amigos!
I really have to go now. I’ll cover some of the things I missed next time. Like PHIL BAKER DAY, the Rolex Trials, Brandon being sued by Chatel Co., Richard’s Las Vegas trip (I’m sure there will be an interview or two), and why Stephanie is a woman trapped in a man’s forum.

“That’s a Wrap, folks. Not a sandwich Wrap, but a whiff of something thicker” – Russell |

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