“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”– Groucho
“I could have a million
more friends and all I’d have to do is change
my point of view (about Rolex watches)” — J.
Prine – 1988
I leave for one lousy week
and TimeZone has its own version of the movie Single
White Female. In case you don’t know the plot, a young
lady takes in a female roommate only to have this new person
take on her identity. Actually, I asked Jaeger
to do the wrap last week but, as so typical of attorneys, he
wanted $395/hour. I then called Ol’Crewdog and he growled
some mongrel mad dog noise at me and I quickly hung up. What
was I thinking? If pilots could write, they wouldn’t be pilots.
Although I will say, the Old Dog does a pretty mean “one
pallet ticking”, if you ask me! So in a panic I wrote Jaeger
a cybercheck and there you have it. He did a great job. A real
Writ of Habeas Horsesh*t. Thanks Mr. Mason, and quit stealing
just love Prine!“
The only known, possible
photo of TZ’s most serious participant, Mr. John “I’ve just
about had it with your silly ass” Toh.
In the “Maybe I take things
a little too seriously” category, we had John
Toh busting my chops this week for the Algonquin
J. Calhoun post I wrote poking fun at Jaeger for doing
his “Poor Mans Wrap-Up” last week (and a mighty
fine, albeit expensive, wrap-up at that). Since Jaeger is an
attorney (why would he want us to know this?) I
concocted a bunch of legalese gibberish that made absolutely
no sense whatsoever and the big Toh got all worked up
and called me silly. So, what was his point?
This week I’d like to show you how responsive
I can be to all of your cards and letters and welcome you to
the TimeZone Horoscope!
You have told me how helpful you
felt this would be in your pursuit of intelligent watch decisions.
As many of you are apt to buy and sell the same watch over and
ove, this Horological service is geared toward the horological!
There’s stars in dem dare watches people and we are going to
work this out for you monthly, so’s you don’t keep steppin’
on your strap!
This month the signs are
in your head and you will be well served not to pawn your gold
fillings just to buy another watch. The last thing you need this
month is another watch. If you do buy another watch, you will
hate it and yourself until the extraction of Venus from Uranus
passes through your Solar Top on about the 15th of
September. That’s a long time to go without Saturn pulling your
Mercury off that pile of money burning a hole in your pocket.
Be patient. By month end, you’ll be in a frenetic sweat and inspiration
will engulf you. I see someone named E. Coli in your future and
I don’t think they work for Kenjo. Have some sort of sex on the
7th but make it look like an accident. A Sagittarian
will ruin your life!
Basel Report …
Hey Mr. Bumper-Man. Wanna
my pocket watch?
This just in from Basel (Indiana):
Omega finally unveils the Daniels Escapement. As
you know, Omega has a long history of varied and unusual calibres.
We are glad to finally see this one added to their portfolio.
Speaking of movements, here we see a particular movement familiar
to most any vintage Omega collector: the Omegaroo Bumpermatic.
Notice the bumper springs encased in their individual compartments.
These are very durable, fast beat engines that you need not disturb
during rewind. Say what you will about fast beat movements, but
if that were me on the pivot end of that pallet fork,
I’d sure be looking for some type of escapement!
Pictured in the background is an Omega
Pimperroo lining the next adjustment.
Survey Says …
broke the response barrier last week with his Market Research
Survey post. He had approximately 20,000
participants answer a series of questions that I don’t readily
recall. I actually thought this was some sort of a “favorite
city” poll as most of the responses looked like this: N,Y,N,7.
A Mike C. answered N,N,N,O and I just thought he
had a mild stutter. As it turns out, my N,Y,P,D
answer was way off the mark and Ray asked me not to participate
in anymore surveys without first reading the instructions. There
was something about smoking cigars while riding motorcycles,
but I skipped over all of that since it didn’t much sense. I
read Ray’s final write up and he must be a pretty smart guy to
come up with all of that statistical stuff. All in all, it was
all pretty confusing but it sure got the numbers. In order that
I might understand the results, I approached the data a slightly
different way and this is what I came up with. Keep in mind that
my analysis involved responses only from the U.S.:
Geographical distribution of the Ray Study. All red dots
are flash fires resulting from motorcycle explosions. All gray
dots represent watch retailers who sell Rolex. Ray Institute
Photo by William Massena
We received a great post from Watchbore
on Thursday recapping his visit to the SIHH (Geneva
Show for Hoity Whoreology) and Watchbore wants you to
know that Madame Francoise Bezzola was “the smartest
bimbo there”. Here we see Watchbore himself with the
esteemed Madame, just prior to the awards ceremony. She’s a beauty
to behold and Watchbore cuts a fine figure of a man himself.
I particularly enjoyed his account of JJ, Breguet’s president,
and his 15-pound, 8-day clock. Hopefully Paul Schliesser
will buy one of these and photograph it. Watchbore wants us to
know that JJ has no sensayuma but I suspect the real problem
was that he too had his eye on the fair Madame. Our friends in
Basel would have you believe that their visit is strictly
business, but I have my doubts. That ain’t no “business”
grin on Watchbore’s face but the tie is pretty spiffy!
We had a post Thursday from Lisa,
someone I did not recognize. His/her expose’ on the Panerai
purchase caused quite a titillation and I can tell you that he/she
was very upset when she/he left the forum. Man, throw in a little
cleavage, a pair of tight jeans, maybe a thong or two, some Eau
de Parfume, a push-up bra, an imported salami, a garter belt,
some wrist restraints, a riding crop, and a pair of shoes, and
you guys go absolutely nuts. It sure doesn’t take much to
get your mind off of watches. Needless to say I was very disappointed
in your behavior and want to remind you that we have probably
lost Lisa forever (you’ve got to act nice so the really strange ones stick around for a
while). Even Hans Zbinden
worked up a Royal Oak over this episode and posted this
picture of Lisa’s bra! Hans! OF all people!
The Panerai “Lisa”. An automatic, Screw Down, Double
Cupped Escapement* Bra! (Escapes either through the front or
We haven’t heard from Stephanie
“Lady, is that Rolex real?
Can I touch it?”
this week so she must have been telling the truth when she told
us she was going to be out of town. Well, I for one miss her
terribly and I hope she gets back safe. I received word she was
in San Francisco and not doing too well. Seems she had a little
problem with her rental car. Stephanie, we hope everything works
out ok with the insurance company. You did have
the Blancpain insured didn’t you?
engaged us in a conversation about Emoticons this
week. I’ve been using emoticons for years but never knew they
had a name. Here’s a few of my favorites:
- o8>‹ Hey, baby!
- o-O>‹ Uh Oh, a baby
- x-O>‹ Not my baby
- OvO Not guilty
- Q^Q Guilty
- O/+ “I do”
- >$$ no more watches!
I think it is an honor to be able to close
this week on a happy note. As you may or may not know, Vincent
told us Thursday that he had finally found Irene. I feel
good just knowing that we all played a very important role in
the coming together of these two fine people. Here, we see them
where they have always meant to be, with each other. A fine looking
couple if I have ever seen one! Congratulations from all of your
friends at TimeZone!
That’s a wrap, folks. Not a shoe wrap,
but a chance to keep my foot in the door!