TimeZone Wrap-Up©
Circa 10.31.99

Some of you wrote me recently and asked
Gee Terry, just how many people read the Wrap-Up©
Well, as much as I’d like to answer that question, I can’t. The
readership, along with your household incomes and watch preferences,
is considered strictly confidential. This is powerful information
that we only share with a select few in order to generate the
revenue required to keep TimeZone free from takeover (it
ain’t working folks). Just this week we sold your personal information
to the following organizations:


– Drunks Against Mad Mothers®


– Organization for the Disassembly of Timepieces©


– TimeZone Wives in Total Shock©


– A$$holes Buying Up Websites©

So, while I can not divulge overall numbers,
I can show you a quick glimpse of current, real-time

As you know, anytime there is important,
late-breaking horological news, the Wrap-Up© is there
to cover the REAL story.

The Wrap-Up Report©

Wall Street was shocked this week
as Ashford.who? announced the acquisition of TimeZone.com,
a highly successful website dedicated to serious horologists
around the world. Ashford.who? on the other hand
is a local, second-hand watch shop in Houston, Texas that also
sells eel skin wallets so popular back in the 80’s. Buy two of
any color – green is particularly nice – and they usually throw
in a pen. To understand this merger and provide you with the
explanation that you deserve, The Wrap-Up Report©
went straight to Houston for this interview with Kenny Kurtzman,
CEO of Ashford.who?.


Mr. Kurtzman, what kind of name is Kurtzman?


Who wants to know? Hey, smell this aftershave
for me will you? I just bought 1200 cases.




Mr. Kurtzmeir, as you might imagine, TimeZone
participants are quite concerned about this merger.


Ok,Ok, everybody gets an extra 10%. Are you
satisfied now?




Well, I know I certainly am!


Kenny, may I call you Kenny ?


Of course! We’re pals! Here, try on this belt.
I can get these by the boat load for $7.95. Genuine Dingo. Can’t
wear em out.




So what about TimeZone.com?


TimeZone is great. All that talk about fountain
pens drives me nuts but I think I can sell more units with a
captive audience. Here, look at this ring. Four carats of the
best Chromium Zucchini you can buy! Middle aged housewives love




Fountain pens? Mr. Kurtzenbaum, TimeZone
is about watches. Fine timepieces.


Oh, yeah! That TimeZone. Hey, listen.
That extra 10%? Forgetaboutit. Make it 15. Here, try these sunglasses.
They’re made of recyclyed orange juice cartons. I can gross 300%
on these puppies.




What will Richard Paige’s role be under
the combined organization?


Richard Paige will rock!




What’s that mean?


I don’t really know. Hey, try this key ring.
Genuine something-or-other. They tell me it’s Phigied. At $2.00
a gross, who cares? I’ll sell millions.




Will he move to Houston and become a “suit”?


Lord no, man. RP’s been on the West Coast
too long. Thinks like a typical Californian living on a fault
line. Jumpy sort of fellow. Everytime he hears a loud noise,
he lays down flat on the floor. I can’t be dealing with that
all day. Besides, RP’s my point man. Here. Taste these chocolates.
I’m thinking about adding them to the site. They say Swiss, but
hey! so do a lot of watches. He,he,he.




What about the rest of the TZ staff? Speener,
Dish, Walt Odets, and the Moderators? What about them Mr. Kenneth
Kurtzenkruger? Huh? What about them?


Here’s what I know. That Speener guy
stays up real late at night doing computer stuff. You don’t mess
with people like that. They are dangerous. That Dish fellow
is like King of the Internet Contests. I like that.
He can give away stuff that I can’t sell. That will create tax
loss carryforwards. That’s good, right? That Odets guy
scares me. None of his watches look right. I think he’s mixed
up all of the parts. But hey, that’s what we need around here,
right? I don’t know the Moderators but that eRic kid better
do his homework cause I don’t need no fookin’ Moderator flunkin’
out of school. It’ll look bad and draw a lot of heat. Here, try
this pen. When you turn it upside down, the woman’s clothes fall
off. I’ll sell millions!




One last important question. What about
the TimeZone Wrap-Up©? Does it stay or is it toast?


Toast? Why do you think I bought TimeZone
in the first place? I had to have the Wrap-Up©. I
understand the writer is someone quite famous but goes by an
anacronym. Whoever he is, I’ll smoke him out and make him rich!




That’s pseudonym you idiot, but I’m sure
he’ll be flattered just the same. Good luck Mr. Kurtzenoodle.
It’s been a real pleasure

<for someone, cluck like
a chicken,woof,woof,woof>

Now you know the REAL story.

Okay. Let’s get this over with. It’s time
for this week’s

Question for Walt O.®

“Cindy” writes this week:

“Dear Walt O., Why does my watch stop
when I do this?” ———– click
(FYI: 1.4MB download)



Walt O.:

“My first thought was that your balance
staff was broken, but on closer examination I’d definitely say
you’re a BIMBO!!!!!!.”

Wrap-Up© management
believes that no actual harm came to anyone in this video. Please
do not send us mail about our insensitivity, as we believe this
to be a staged, humorous event.

*** Public Service
Announcement ***

The Number One Cause of Highway Accidents

The Porsche Calatrava© – You never
actually own it, but you sure like “driving it home”!
Keep your eyes on the road Weenies©.

Speaking of
motor vehicle mishaps, the TimeZone delivery van had a
little trouble the other day in downtown San Francisco.
Ordinarily this would have passed as any other routine traffic
violation, but nooo, Richard had to demolish the last of the
great City Clocks for which SFO was once so famous. Passersby
cried when they realized their loss, but were quickly consoled
by generous gifts of TimeCubes© and WIS©
. Mayor Willie Brown was quoted as saying “Hot
Damn! Now we can finally get us some decent quartz clocks and
lay those lazy-ass Clock people off “
. Another day,
another small piece of life changed forever.

Boy ‘o Boy, I’ll sure say one thing. When
they want to be, our Forum Moderators can be FINE LOOKING
Can you guess our

Do you sense it? Do you feel it? Is it
just me? Has Peter Chong and Danny gone their separate
horological ways? Peter has caught Danny over in the Patek
time and time again, but the final straw came awhile
back when Danny was asking the Patek crowd about chronographs.
Here is the transcript from those posts:


“Who makes the best column wheel



The bimmer man:

“I’m the bimmer man. Why don’t
you just buy a
Datograph?” I bought
two. Maybe.”




“They are too expensive.”




DANNY! What are you doing here?
Get your scrawny butt back over to the Lange Forum right
this minute! How could you even ask about any watch other than
The Lange?”




“Kiss my Auf and Aub.”




“Danny, I’m revoking your LOG
code. Go to your webpage. I will deal with you later.”



The bimmer man:

“I’m the bimmer man. I told you
not to be hanging around here. Listen to the bimmer man. I’m
the bimmer man. Bimmer, bimmer, bimmer, bimmer”.




“I leave TimeZone. They sell my brain
to grey market website. All my thoughts now property of public
Peter kick me out of Lange.
bimmer man crazy. Danny go bye-bye.”

Later that day: Danny receives an “adjustment”
from his Lange Instructor. “1813, 1814, 1815, …… “

Sure hope this all works out ok! Hey Peter!
What’s a lever escapement?

Announcing the Grand Opening of

Ken Fox Shipping and Container

“If we can’t find it,
it’s Someone’s Ass!”

“Some a$$hole says he lost his
clock. Keep going guys. We’ve got 12 more planes to search. Rayford,
call for the dogs.”

Strangest thing. I attend a TimeZone
Luncheon in D.C.
and then never hear a word about it. No
mention of it from Aran Hegerty, not a peep out of Andrew
, others there completely gone save a rare appearance
by Scurvy, Ed Hahn, Brian Renaud, Bill Sohne, and one
or two others. It’s like it never happened. My own recall, which
is usually TOTAL, is also a little fuzzy. I remember so little,
now that I think about it. I do remember Dave Allen being
there. I remember he went to pi$$ and came back 15 minutes later
with a new JLC MasterMoon. Damn, that was strange. Man
can’t even walk by a jeweler to take a leak with out plopping
down $3 grand for a watch? What’s THAT all about? Maybe it didn’t
really happen. Maybe I dreamed it all up on my way to the pharmacy
to drop off my Lange. Seems I do remember seeing Jaeger
at the drug store. Weird! Really weird. Oh, well. Hope the druggist
gets my re-dial right.

Oh, admit it. You’ve hardly been able to
live without it. You are totally aimless until you get it. That’s
right! Here it is:


As the holidays
approach your favorite website is about to be acquired. Look
at what you’ve done. Twenty-four watches this year and you’ve
sold all but two and those you can’t give away. You are disgusted
with yourself and well you should be. Take a bath. You smell
of Brasso and toothpaste and rancid leather. You are a water
sign. Use some on yourself. Until you clean up, Venus is closed
for business.


For all of your
horoscopical needs please visit Ashford.who? They’ll chart your
stars right up you’re a$$.

I’d like
to meet the man that thought THIS up!

I’d like to close by wishing you all a
Happy Halloween!

I’d like to meet the man that thought THIS

What a more fitting holiday for TimeZone? We are all but ghosts
on the forums, having little identity but the words that we write.
But, we do have a ghoulish time tricking each other
and sharing our treats, and for that I am most appreciative!
Just remember how good a friend I really am when you have Candy
spread out on the living room floor.

also like to sincerely welcome our new friends at Ashford.com.

Who, you say?

Well, look at it this way. If you are still
reading this at all, then that Mr. Kurtzenbimmer must
indeed have a sense of humor, and that my friends, is what life
is really all about! We, my friends, Are
TimeZone. I’m not going anywhere. Are you?

That’s a wrap folks. Not a candy
wrap, but an effort to sweeten the deal!


T-Bone and Speener Productions

Copyright © this! 1999