Bart: Who is this Terry Russell, anyway?

Jim (The Waco Kid): Well, Terry Russell ain’t exactly a “who,” he’s more of a “what.”

It’s almost mid-year so we thought we’d bring you a Wrap-Up©. Notice I said “we”. Who ‘s the other part of “we”? Who else? Eduardo de Speener, that’s who! For you TZ “newbies” (I hate that term almost as much as “minty”), Ed was the true brainchild behind TZ in the first place. Yeah, I know you thought it was Richard Paige, but how could a guy who can’t even get his HMO to pay for Viagra ever develop a site like this? Come on. He might be a 4th Generation WatchMaker©, but Speener’s vision brought you such innovations as “Post Message”and “Go” and my all-time favorite, “Click here to visit Ashford”. You don’t find this kind of talent just lying around. You have to hunt it down and sober it up.

“TZ made me rich, but T-Bone made me famous”

“Please God, let him take a drop!”

Many of you weren’t here during the hey day of the TZ Wrap-Up© and aren’t familiar with what it was, or why it disappeared. Its purpose was to hold up a mirror so that you and your fellow Zoners could watch yourselves show your butts, and to hopefully restore a sense of civility. It didn’t work. People acted crazy just to get mentioned in a Wrap-Up. Today, there are rules, and expectations of decorum, all associated with a Company© that must maintain a public image. You can’t even post a picture of The Tourbillon Monkey Watch© that pees every 60 seconds. Really, it does! Now that used to be funny! Because of how things have changed, I wouldn’t dare put a photo like the one to the right in a TZ Wrap-Up©:

The reason these Wraps© stopped is quite simple. They would not PAY me to write them, nor would they give me my own “button” on the homepage. Oh sure, they gave those Two Crazy Pilots© a button, and Watchbore got a button and even Foie Gras’ arch nemesis still has a button. Let me tell you. I was left on the streets of cyberspace in “No Button” hell. So I quit. I did receive a nice message from Richard though:


So, there you are. Up to speed. And while we’re at it, join me in welcoming Ed back for this brief appearance. So what if he left TZ and got rich? He’s still the only person who can get me to work for free.

Back in March, around the 10th, Rolex was finally forced to reckon with Walt Odets. After a protracted legal battle that resulted in an undisclosed financial settlement, Walt told Rolex they could keep their money in exchange for a more appropriate alternative. Rolex agreed. It therefore gives me great pleasure to be able to announce, for the first time, the establishment of the very first


In addition to this new paid European Holiday (when do they actually work?) Walt gets a statue of his likeness and a marble plaque (below):

Dr. WoWowill be travelling to Geneva for the unveiling ceremonies June 1, all expenses paid. I know you will look forward to his next Horologium piece entitled: “The Incredible Rolex President – Worth Its Weight In Gold”.

Preparing Walt’s statue for the ceremonial unveiling.

There have certainly been a lot of Russells on the forums lately. I find this disconcerting in as much as I chose this arcane hobby solely to escape them. As it turns out, I’m about all the Russell I can stand. Now it seems they are everywhere. Their interest in things mechanical is somewhat curious, although I did have an uncle who once put a short-block Chevy engine into an MGB.

He then proceeded to drive it into the side of a K-Mart on its maiden voyage. “Uncle Rocket” was how we referred to him during the eulogy.

So, since I had to go and bring the subject up, let’s take a TZ Russell Inventory© and see just how many of us there really are:

chris russell– might miss your point but he will never be wrong. Ancestors must have purchased the name from some Indians. Never met a strain of russell such as this. Certainly supports the Alien Abduction Theory©.

russell(another small-capper) – can, at times, be counted upon to reply to most every post. Not sure if he is a first name russell or a last name russell. At least he’s got 2 “L’s”. Types with an accent slightly reminiscent of discontent. Would probably enjoy drinking beer with me if it were free.

Ron Russell– at least uses his full name, properly punctuated. Otherwise a little slippery and I can’t get a fix on him. Tends to want to discuss watches instead of pointing out how stupid people are. I’d say he’s authentic. I’d enjoy drinking beer with him if he was buying.

Andrew Crewe Russell– spends all of his time in pursuit of the perfect watch. Dropped the “Russell” portion of his name to speed up his purchases of IWC Fliegers. This also eliminated the need for special checks with extra long signature lines.

Kenny Kurtzman Russell– his vision made Coupon Day possible on TimeZone. Sends me a personal code weekly. Dropped the “Russell” when his relatives appeared on The Jerry Springer Show©.

T-Bone Russell– I’m named after a dietary derivative of animal flesh intended to keep life expectancy numbers within a reasonable social cost. Settled on watches when banks stopped giving away toasters. Haven’t paid a bar tab in years. Never, ever get within 42mm of my head.


Speaking of Andrew Crewe, I just this week received an AP Wire film of them playing golf. Turns out they were paired together in the UTC Classic© sponsored annually by IWC. Click on the film below for a look at the type of damage he is capable of off-line:


Andrew’s injury, while not life threatening, changed the hormone levels in his body and set off a rare condition known as Total Testicular Attrition, which causes the body to shrink evenly at a rate commensurate with previous growth. When we last spoke, he was looking forward to having new shafts installed on his clubs. From this photo I’d say he’d better hurry. Good luck Tiny!

How could we do a Wrap-Up© and not include my technical column on specific horological characteristics found within wrist watches©? Most of you aren’t knowledgeable enough to understand my technical writing. I must admit that I do, on occasion, take liberty with a fact here and there but count heavily upon you not knowing the difference. So sit back, relax, un-snap your pants if necessary, and enjoy this week’s


The Truth About Tourbillons®

There is a great misunderstanding these days regarding tourbillons. Invented by AL Breguet a few dog years ago, the original purpose of the tourbillon was actually unknown. “What have I done?” Breguet recorded in a recently discovered journal, “look at that thing go!” to which his son, and partner responded, “Nous n’avons pas le temps pour ce crap!” which roughly translated meant: “Papa! You are ze genius, no?”

These things sold like crazy. Everyone had to have one. Napoleon bought the first one in a travel clock. Travel clocks back then were like the first Compaq Portables. They weighed 185 lbs. While tourbillons served no apparent purpose, Breguet would change his story to fit the patron, but finally settled on “accuracy” as the ” grand mensonge d’âne “, and the rest is history.

I’ve had raging arguments with Gerry L. on this forum over the uselessness of these over-priced gadgets. He hates my guts. I’ve given him facts, figures and formulae and he still refuses to admit that they are the horological equivalent of ‘snake oil’. He is even making his own tourbillon! The Luppinobillon©, he calls it. Here we see him trying to prove me wrong. Ha!

“I’ll show that S.O.B. Russell!

Whoa, stop this thing! I’m gonna hurl”

Here is how a tourbillon works (or is supposed to)

This is the tourbillon pinion housing. It insures that the cage seat rests squarely on the coupling plate. Dimensions here are so critical as to be almost impossible: +/- .025 meters (this means metric, moron!). The tourbillon jewel is stone-ground and beveled with a stick of bloodwood.One slight slip and this puppy might as well be a bowling ball.
Even with the best of craft, tourbillons exert a horrendous load on the pinion cock and carriage plate. Breguet knew this, dammit, and never said a word. See how gouged out the whole banking bridge is? Gerry L. will tell you the wolf teeth did it. Wolf teeth my ass! That is centrifugal cavitation if I ever saw it. Get real, Aloha Man.
The only way to resolve this problem is through the use of a Tourbillon Kidney Retrofit Kit (available of course at, and even this does nothing to actually improve accuracy. The “kidneys” – see items 49, 52, 53 and 56 – stabilize the carriage bridge and distributes loading over all surfaces supporting the balance shaft. Just take care not to skive item 67 as it locks the balance wheel key to the hairspring gear, providing rigidity where there once was none. Screw this up and you’ve trashed your watch.

So there you have it. The truth about tourbillons. If you must have one, at least buy a good one. Expect to pay a minimum of $1,500 U.S. Anything less and you are asking for trouble.

– all photos courtesy of Waldo Debts© Picture Taking Service, Inc – where “Taking looks a lot like Stealing©”!

We haven’t mentioned (We get an extra $1.75 every time I provide a link – being the brains behind this operation, I get 60%, Speener gets the rest) much yet and I think it time we do so. I think they have shown great restraint, not to mention support, for Timezone since the merger. I think that speaks well of the commitments they apparently made to RP when the deal was going down. There is integrity written all over their willingness to suffer criticism and provide bandwidth for some level of competition.

Okay, so I had to straighten that Kurtzennoodle guy out in an earlier TZ Interview©, but hey, he responded positively, so please cut him some slack. He’s at least posted that Sean McNamara guy on TZ. Wait a damn minute. What’s that all about? I don’t know about him. Seems to spend a lot of time drunk down on San Padre Island looking for his watch. An orange Rolex at that! What’s that costing the company? There’s at least one coupon per month right there!

I’ve done some checking on this guy and he may not be who he says he is. Take a look at this official Corporate website photo:

Now, take a look at this photo:

Hey! Don’t get me wrong. I’m not commenting on anyone’s lifestyle choices here and I’m not even implying that this is who I think it is. All I’m saying is that the Bath & Body Division has been getting a lot more of Sean’s attention lately than we have (Sean, I just love that new “Eau De Patou”) and quite frankly I’m a little jealous. If Kurtzenweenie is really going to support us, he needs to post a full-time watch person, or get Sean the heck out of Ladies Lingerie! That’s all.

Now, look at these two photos side by side:



See the resemblance? I thought so. According to Sean though, he doesn’t know DICK©. Hey, Sean. Kurtzennoogie has been trying to tell you that for a year! But don’t be offended. I’ve talked with Kenny and he doesn’t know JACK©!

Well folks, Speener and I have got to go. It’s been fun but we are expected at another website shortly for cocktails. We are guests of honor at an IPO announcement for We have no idea what their business model is, but we like the model who runs the business!

That’s a Wrap© you Weenies©! An occasional semi-bi-annual unauthorized TimeZone Event that requires no intelligence on your part. Good thing too, huh?

“Hillary! is my new favorite site!”

“Hey T-boner, ya think we’ll ever get paid for this!”

T-Bone and Speener Productions© Copyright This© 2000