TimeZone Wrap-Up is just what the New York Times would be like if it only covered news involving the TimeZone.”

– George Bernard Shaw

TimeZone Wrap-Up

Week 3/22/1999

By the time you read these opening remarks, they will be at least 5 days old. I’ve decided to start this week’s wrap-up before anything actually happens because I don’t believe you can continue to provide the material required to make these wrap-ups sustainably entertaining. While, admittedly, you have continued to amaze me for the last 4 weeks, unless I have truly met my match, I think you will soon fold your hand and simply leave the table. There just can’t be that many more strange things left to be said or done. As to how long I can keep this up, just remember that all I do here is observe and record and as long as I can make it to that “Post Message” button, no one is safe!

I have an obligation to start with Paul Delury this week, as he has been under the false impression that he can escape these wrap-ups by avoiding any activity that could be construed as noteworthy. Assuming that Paul is an “Aussie”, I find that particularly noteworthy in and of itself. I have never been to Australia but I am told that everyone there has at least one kangaroo, a boomerang, and one of those huge “Crocodile Dundee” knives used to de-vein shrimp out on the “bar-bee“. Paul even has a Boomeroo, but you can sort that out on your own. I am also pretty sure that if I were to dig a very deep hole through the earth from where I live, it would punch out somewhere in the vicinity of Paul’s living room. I can’t call ahead first since I don’t have his number, but if I happen to come up through his bathroom while his wife is in the shower, I promise to close my eyes before yelling for a beer. As I have already declared a 1-month amnesty on Australians, Paul has nothing to fear from a wrap-up, but his wife might need one if I ever get that hole dug! G’day Paul!

“Oddjob”, a rare Boomeroo reaching for his “rang”!

This is a very special week for me. It marks my 13th wedding anniversary. My wife Bonnie is a wonderful girl with just enough Italian blood to keep her one step away from doing me great harm. The night I met her, I knew that she was “the one” but after about 30 minutes of doing my very best Bogart, I looked down and saw my fly standing wide open. Doing the only thing I could to save face, I showed her how a one-armed man counts his change. She has never forgotten that night, nor has she let me. So, to the only woman who could ever drag me willingly to the alter, I publicly and, now globally, declare that I love you more than any watch I could ever afford, and promise to always keep my fly zipped, at least when I am in public. Thanks for being my very best friend and making my life so interesting!

This was also a very special week for our old buddy Jaeger. The Jaeger-Meister, or Jaeger Dude, as some of you refer to him in private. “That Jaeger dude don’t know d*ck about watches”, some of you have said. Come on now. Let’s not talk that way about a guy on his birthday, especially a guy married to a woman who would buy him a Lange 1! I wonder if he can pronounce it. My rule of thumb is that if you can’t pronounce it, you should probably avoid it. Hey, Jaeger let me help you out here. I learned this last week from William and Hans. “Luuugeeeeehhhh” or in your case, “Luuuunngeeeehhhh Uuunnnnooo. Jaeger, your wife is a very special woman and if she didn’t “own” you before, she certainly does now! Just don’t clean the house wearing that watch! Happy Birthday, Dude!

Urgent! Richard Paige needs your help. He needs to know just how many more of you are going to buy a Zenith, Class 4 chronograph. The Bulletin Board server is just about max’d out and he needs to plan future capacity. The Zenith Watch Company needs to know so that they can notify the Chinese. These people have been waiting 18 months for a shipment and are getting a little irritated. The last thing you want to do is force them into buying Franck Mullers. If you do, that’ll pretty much be it for your ETA 2892’s for about a decade, and then you’ll have to buy a Rolex whether you want one or not. We have to act fast, so please e-mail Richard no later than Monday.

There was some discussion this week about opinions on the Halter Barnes watch know as the Antiqua. You know, it’s that 4-eyed vessel looking thing that is being passed off as a timepiece. They are so bad that if you buy a $1000 Oris from Paris1925, they’ll throw in a Halter Barnes. Well, they don’t exactly tell you this, they just stick one in the box. When I called to tell them they had mistakenly shipped me an extra watch, they hung up the phone. If the truth be known, Halter would have never done this watch without Barnes. This watch is so bad that I would hate to be trapped in an elevator with a guy who was proud to be wearing one. “Looky here! Like my new watch? I just got it. It cost a lot too”, to which I would reply, “Well, how much was the pocket protector? “Which eye do you use to look at this watch?

john wanted to know, this week, which watch to take on a Caribbean vacation. You’ve got this all wrong, john. You don’t take a watch on a Caribbean vacation; you buy a watch on a Caribbean vacation. That’s the only way you have of getting even with your wife for blowing a wad of your money on expensive jewelry! Besides, if you shop at all, the only things sold in the Caribbean are T-shirts, watches and jewelry. You need to get your T-shirts from SKW but maybe you can pick up one of those Zenith, Class 4 numbers while you’re there. Seems you’re the only one left who doesn’t have one. You, and about 3 billion Chinese people!

I need to be serious here for a moment. I need your help. I need a new sponsor for the TimeZone Wrap-Up. My old sponsor, who shall remain Paigeless, I mean nameless, has refused to renew my contract and I am in desperate need of a little “watch” money. You see, I have pretty much abandoned my old life so that I can work full time bringing all of you just a little bit of joy each week, in order that you not desert TimeZone and force our “friend” into bankruptcy. Ok, so I have entertained offers (very lucrative offers, I might add) from that “other” watch forum, but you are my friends and I would hate to leave you. If the right offer come along, I’m gone in a heartbeat, but I would still hate to leave you. So if you know of any possibilities, please let me hear from you*. Thank you for your continued support!* Inquire now about our low introductory rates!

Let’s talk TimeZone names. I just love TimeZone names! Some of you, like Paul Delury, use a name that sounds real but isn’t (“Paul Delury”, yeah right). Others of you use names that don’t sound real, but are, like Judge Crater and Dennis A. Smith (“Dennis A. Smith”, yeah right). Some of you tie your name to what you do, like Glen@InSync, or where you live, like Michael from NJ. Others have names that aptly describe their hobby such as wATCHnUT and Chronopassion. But what the hell is this? ei8hothms. You can’t even say this name. You can’t even think it! It’s like a dead language. It’s like a Halter Barnes watch. The only thing I can figure is that at one point he forgot his Yahoo sign-in and their computer generated him another one. The same thing happened to me once and they gave me the name SinkHole23. At least you can say“SinkHole23″! My god man, help us out here. Get another name!

Ed Heliosz put a lot of effort into cataloging watches used in various movies. I would like to personally thank him for this. Just think of the contribution I could make if I channeled this “wrap-up” energy into something useful! No, on second thought don’t even think of it. Thanks Ed! Also, I’d like to thank jkingston for his recap of the Paris Watch Expo. I was all set to attend this myself but no one bothered to tell me about it. I would have bought a lot of watches too! I’ll never plan to attend that again.

Well, we’ve got to see who got new watches this week, don’t we? Actually it ‘s been pretty slow in this category. We already know that Jaeger got a Lange 1 for his birthday (have you finished the dishes yet?), but did you know that Michael from NJ got a Zenith, Class 4? Can you imagine? Did you also know that Chinloo from Beijing didn’t? Hell no, and we don’t have a clue as to when he will either. Poor guy has been waiting over a year. He’s even promised not to do another review (I may send him mine as soon as I finish my review!).

ChinLoo waiting at the Post Office for hisZenith, Class 4.

Mario Picanco wowed us this week with a little piece of the Ottoman Empire – a beautiful, ornate antique clock believed to have been owned by Otto himself. Here is my own contribution from this very interesting period in history:

An original Ottoman ottoman discovered in the archeological ruins of the Istanbul Holiday Inn, circa 1970. I bet old Otto used to pass a lot of time on this puppy!

I was very happy to see Phil Stover back on the forum this week after last week’s fire. He finally did receive those watches he’d ordered for his birthday and he’s looking forward to wearing them as soon as the bandages come off. Phil, if you need anything, let us know. Jaeger’s wife will send him right over! Welcome back!

There were several sincere attempts on the forum this week to congratulate the crew of the Breitling Orbiter, and personally I thought this was a tremendously courageous endeavor. But many of you had to characterize it as nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt engineered solely to sell more Breitling watches. I just wish those of you shortsighted enough to actually believe this had been up there with us. It got cold as hell!

Ok. So, ronin has this watch, see? And he suspects it might be time to have it serviced, Ok? So he calls up Walt O. and tells him this and Walt tells him to go ahead and get it serviced, see? But ronin thinks that because this isn’t an expensive watch, he shouldn’t probably pay a lot to have this done, Ok? So, Ok. Then he comes to the forum and tells us all of this and now everyone jumps in to help him think it through, but it grows more and more apparent that this damn watch ain’t ever gonna get serviced because ronin is just not going to spend the money to have it done, Ok? So, now, before it’s all over we don’t even remember what the topic was or why we even got involved in all of this, then some guy named Todd steps in and asks, WHO CARES? And, I have to tell you ronin, the guy had a point.

What’s with all of these new “buttons” we’re getting on TimeZone? It seems there’s a new button for everything, right? But, Nooooooo! There’s no new button for the TimeZone Wrap-Up! If you want to find a TimeZone Wrap-up, you’ve got to go digging around through that damn Bulletin Board. And good luck actually finding one. There are so many Zenith, Class 4 reviews on there that you can’t find a thing. And don’t even get me started about all of those new blank marquees on the main homepage! Just be damn glad you don’t work for “The Man”. Ed knows what I’m talking about! Yeah, he can go out and buy one of those ritzy diamond-studded Hublots off the backs of his employees, but he can’t spend a dime on the people who have made him what he is today. Hey Boss Man, I’ve got your buttons hangin’!

I’ve been using a lot of search engines this week, searching for Joao Campos. I feel really bad that he disappeared after that little spat with RobE and I know he probably resented my version of what happened. Listen, this thing I do here is all in good fun and if I were to ever actually hurt someone’s feelings, I would stop this immediately. But I have searched everywhere and used every word combination I could think of and still no Joao. As a last resort I even searched on the name “Wahoo” but all I got was this: http://www.homestead.com/tnr/files/Kroo.jpg If anyone knows where he is, please let him know that I meant no harm. But whatever you do, don’t mess with that damn Boomeroo!

That’s a wrap, folks. Not an egg roll wrap, but an effort to earn a living!